I Keep Falling over the Same Obstacle

But I'm writing a new story

I recently caught myself doing something that I’ve tried many, many times over the course of my life to change. It’s a pattern that frustrates me. And each time I’ve made the change in the past, I’ve thought, good, that’s sorted. I’m not doing that again.

Until I do.

What I can easily recognize and accept in other people can be so hard to anticipate and acknowledge in myself: we struggle with the same kinds of obstacles over and over again.

The things that repeatedly trip us up are connected to our tender spots. For some of us, that may be the ways that we connect with other people. For others, it could be about how we doubt or judge ourselves.

Whatever the specifics, the process is basically the same. We move through life in a messy spiral. There are periods when those challenges are right in front of us. We take steps to change ourselves, and the spiral widens. The obstacles look smaller and smaller. And that rotation might last years even, until something shifts within us or in our lives or the world around us. And those obstacles reappear.

I don’t believe that we are doomed to repeat the past. Each time we spiral back to those challenges, we arrive as a new version of ourselves, enriched by our life experiences. But there, at the center of our spiral, is that same old challenge.

I’ve never met anyone in 25 years of therapy (and nearly twice that many years on this planet) who has overcome all of the obstacles in their life, once and for all.

And when I sit with that truth, it makes it easier to see my own repeated struggles with a lot more self-awareness and even some self-compassion.

If you’re finding that the old familiar pattern is arising in your life, congratulations! It means that you have another chance to learn how to open up that spiral by healing another layer of your tenderness.

Let me invite you to try out the process I use when I find myself in this situation.

Singularly Sensitive Step 1: Explore

When we notice a pattern reasserting itself in our lives, we need to slow ourselves down and refrain from assuming we know all there is to know about that pattern. Get curious. Take stock with a mindful eye, naming what you see without judgment or criticism.

Apply that same mindfulness all your past encounters with this kind of obstacle. What are your patterns? Have they shifted at all? Are there any instances in which the pattern broke, no matter how slightly? Check in with your body and see what it can tell you about what has changed over time and what remains familiar.

Singularly Sensitive Step 2: Experiment

When you’ve explored this pattern and come to some insights about what opportunities there may be for you to do something new this time, give it a try. Set a micro goal to do one thing in a slightly different way. It’s better to experiment with a small step than to set yourself up for disappointment by trying to make a radical change.

Keep the spirit of a researcher. You’re just gathering data, information about what it is like for you to make an adjustment, shift your behavior, step out in a slightly different direction. No matter what happens, you cannot actually fail, because the point is to experiment and learn.

Singularly Sensitive Step 3: Integrate

Once you’ve gathered your data, you can lightly critique the outcome. Resist the urge to judge, criticize, and berate yourself! Focus on what you’re learning.

How can you integrate the findings from your experiment with what you know to be true about yourself and your life? What fits? What can you apply in the future that might allow you to spiral wider away from this obstacle when it shows up in the future? What approaches are going to get you the same old results, so you may want to leave them behind?

Repeated Obstacles Give Us the Chance to Revise Our Stories

The point of putting yourself through the Singularly Sensitive process is to revise your narrative. You’re crafting a new story about what it means to deal the same obstacles over the course of your life. You’re highlighting to yourself that you, as the main character in your life story, are developing and growing. Your arc is filled with movement over time, even if it’s hard to see when you’re in the midst of it.

Even if you are only making minor revisions to your story, I hope you’ll celebrate what you’re accomplishing. Most changes in life are not dramatic. Real change happens at a granular level. It’s good for our mood and our motivation to take note of that process and give ourselves credit for each step we take. Eventually, we may notice that all those small steps have transformed into a journey of progress. That’s worth celebrating, too.

A Guide for the Road Ahead

If you’re journeying through this process and would like some additional guidance for stepping outside the spiral you’re in, I’d recommend you check out my book, Wander and Delve. It’s based on the Singularly Sensitive approach I’ve described here. I’ve included sections on overcoming obstacles and committing to self-compassion, both of which are essential parts of revising our life stories. I hope it helps you become gentler with yourself the next time that old familiar challenge pops up in your life.