Committing to CHAOS
When the world is on fire, what other choice is there?
I’m guessing that you, like me, are feeling the weight of our current moment in history. So many of us are grappling with uncertainty and dread. We seem to be on the verge of chaos.
And maybe that’s a good thing.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not referring to chaos in the customary sense. We’ve seen how destructive it has been on both the macro and micro levels. I’m referring to the acronym CHAOS: Change, Hope, Authenticity, Obstacles, and Self-Compassion.
This kind of CHAOS holds potential for us to make the world better without burning ourselves out or selling out to systems that aren’t based on our beliefs. If we commit to CHAOS, we can maximize the positive impact and overcome the challenges of being sensitive, idealistic, and committed to the things we value.
Committing to CHAOS is at the core of how I use the Singularly Sensitive approach to help clients (and myself) grow. I find this commitment is vital to me when I’m living in peak uncertainty, stress, and difficulty, so I’d like to offer you this framework as a tool you can apply to your own life.
It’s important to note that I’m not just talking about personal growth. While making a commitment to CHAOS starts at the individual level, we can apply these concepts to how we interact with our families, our communities, and the groups to which we belong. These concepts can empower us to have an impact on the world around us.
I also want to state explicitly that we live in a society in which not everyone shares the same access to resources. An individual’s personal choices about how to CHAOS are shaped by the contexts in which they live and how their various identities are regarded within their culture. My approach acknowledges these realities and tries to move people with greater privilege to take social action to reform unjust systems.
What is CHAOS?
Let’s dive a bit deeper into the elements of CHAOS and how to work with them in the service of helping yourself and your world.
Change
If I had a dollar for every time clients have told me they hate change, I’d be writing this from my private island. Hating, fearing, and resisting change are part of human nature. But change is part of Nature herself. It’s greater than any of us. We can either fight, resist, and deny it, or we can learn to work with the reality of change.
Notice I didn’t say you have to learn to like change. You can still organize your life around routines, tradition, and familiarity. For many of us with sensitive nervous systems, predictability and having a sense of control feel soothing and safe.
But change will come.
There is incredible potential in this knowledge. Committing to change means that we can harness our power to plan, translate insight into action, and break through inertia as part of our growth. And sensitive people are well equipped for all these tasks, even if we reflexively resist change.
Hope
In order to commit to hope, we need to keep in mind that hope is situational and action oriented. It is based on the belief that we can set goals and improve a situation in the future. Hope is different from optimism, which is a pervasive pattern of thought in which someone focuses on the positive and believes that things will work out in the end.
Hope and optimism can coexist for each of us in a variety of ways. But what excites me about hope is that it is nurtured through the actions that each of us takes. If I take small steps toward what I dream is possible, I am feeding my belief in my ability to move closer to those dreams. Each step I take, even if I fail to reach my goal, is a reminder that I am not powerless. And feeling empowered is a very hopeful state.
And when we aren’t feeling hopeful? We can choose to align with people who can hold hope for us and who believe something better is possible for us. Sometimes those people may be family or friends, but we can also look to therapists, coaches, teachers, mentors, civic leaders, healers, and others to hold hope for us.
Authenticity
In uncertain times, we may hesitate to show our true selves. There may be a self-protective wisdom to concealing who we are, particularly if we have reason to believe that the people around us may not be worthy of our trust. But that habit of keeping ourselves hidden until we know we are safe has the unintended consequence of disconnecting us from our genuine selves.
Committing to authenticity means that we find ways to acknowledge to ourselves who we truly are. This fundamental honesty will support our ability to be loyal to ourselves and make it easier to feel comfortable, if not confident, in showing ourselves to others. As we embrace our authentic identity, we can seek out people who respect and love us for who we are.
This kind of authenticity is why the Singularly Sensitive approach must be applied in a bespoke fashion. No one else’s version of the so-called good life can or should be the same as yours. And no one else’s way of reaching goals can be replaced by yours. Building a Singularly Sensitive lifestyle means jettisoning the one-size-fits-all advice and living your unique life.
Obstacles
It may sound counterintuitive to commit to obstacles, but they are a reality at the personal and societal levels. Just like change, obstacles are an inevitable part of life. I don’t recommend wasting your precious energy and other resources in lamenting that the path is littered with boulders. Instead, figure out how to use your strengths, relationships, and resources to get around or over the obstacles you encounter. Then make a plan to recover from the process.
I see many sensitive people fall into traps like overplanning, analysis paralysis, and paralyzing decision fatigue when they focus too much on avoiding obstacles. It’s simply not possible to prevent every obstacle, no matter how well-crafted your plan is. Instead, put your planning skills to work around coping with whatever obstacles arise. That means not only using your individual resources, but also tapping into the people and structures around you.
If it helps ease your resistance to committing to obstacles, remind yourself that this is a way of building resilience. Until we are challenged, we cannot increase our capacity to adapt, recover, and grow. Like any other kind of training, when we overcome obstacles today, we are preparing ourselves to handle them more effectively in the future.
Self-Compassion
I’ve never met a sensitive person who could extend themselves the same compassion, grace, understanding, and caring as they extend to others. We are inherently focused on the emotions, needs, and desires of those around us, often going to great lengths to set aside our own needs and wishes in order to help others. I wish more people were this way!
At the same time, I have seen sensitive people be extraordinarily harsh, judgmental, and accusatory toward themselves. I do it to myself, despite the fact that that I’ve never once been motivated to act when I tell myself that I’m bad, lazy, deficient, or wrong.
The alternative to this way of relating to ourselves is to practice self-compassion. I’m indebted to Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and encourage you to read more about her work. For our purposes here, it’s important to note that self-compassion involves showing gentleness towards ourselves rather than criticizing or judging ourselves; recognizing that we are like everyone else in our humanity; and practicing a mindful, precise awareness of ourselves rather than being swept up by our thoughts or feelings.
Taking a self-compassionate stance—and returning to it when we fall back into unhelpful habits—enables sensitive people to make the other four commitments we’ve discussed, even when we feel battered by the world around us.
The Commitment to CHAOS in Action
As much as it vexed certain professors and supervisors over the years, I’m a practical, pragmatic individual. Theory is fascinating, but I’m more interested in helping sensitive people like us figure out sustainable, manageable ways to appreciate our worth, reach our goals, and transform our dreams into reality. Committing to CHAOS cannot be just an intellectual exercise.
Here are some practical options you might consider doing:
Journaling
You can use words, art, music, or any medium you prefer to journal about how to make and keep your commitment to CHAOS. Keep in mind that your journal is not a graded item. You can express yourself however you choose, with all the mess and misspellings that naturally happen. If you’re looking for a guided journaling experience, check out my book, Wander and Delve, which will guide you through all the elements of CHAOS. But don’t underestimate the power of free writing (creating) as a way to journal. Trust that your own expertise will emerge.
Somatic Practices
I personally need a reminder to get out of my head when I’m feeling stressed or unsure of what to do. Gentle somatic practices can help me do that and support my efforts to commit to CHAOS. We can start by bringing mindfulness to our bodies, noticing what we’re sensing and refraining from judging that. Paying attention to our breathing may be enough, or we may want to try out various strategies for changing our breathing. Gentle movement, stretches, and practices like yoga and tai chi can also reconnect us to our physical selves.
Connection to People and Pets
Humans are not meant to live in isolation. This is true at the level of our mammalian biology, no matter what myths of independence we have created. While we may need to honor our needs for solitude and quiet, we also need to find sustainable ways to connect with people who appreciate us for who we are and who support our well-being. It may take time to build these connections, but the journey to grow our relationships is as important arriving at a vibrant social circle.
Plants, Animals, and Nature
Our connections to plants, pets, wild animals, and nature can also bring great joy and a sense of acceptance and love to our lives. It can be easier to feel that we are part of nature, subject to its rules and connected to its resources, when we regularly make time to interact with the rest of the living world. Depending on our circumstances, we can use technology and social media to help us experience the natural world.
Spiritual/Religious Practices
Engaging in spiritual and religious traditions can help us shift our perspective, find meaning in our experiences, and feel connected to something greater than ourselves. Many sensitive people are drawn to spiritual/religious practices and feel regularly drawn to cultivate experiences of awe and wonder. Nurturing our personal spirituality can help us cope with and understand the things that are happening to us and around us, particularly in times of uncertainty and difficulty.
What Will You Do?
One of the things I regularly tell my clients is to start with micro goals that will move them in the direction of coping with CHAOS. Ironically, I’m not a fan of taking small steps—I’m drawn to setting grand goals for myself. Experience has taught me, however, that micro goals are much more effective in the long run. When we set small but attainable goals, we’re more likely to reach them. And neuroscience shows that we get a dopamine boost from our accomplishments, which can help us stay motivated and keep taking action. I encourage you to set goals, then break them down into steps that are so small that it would be nearly impossible to fail to meet them.
As you look for real-world ways to commit to CHAOS, keep in mind that the strategies you use may shift depending on the specifics of a situation, the resources you have access to at a given moment, how many other stressors you’re coping with, and many other factors. Stay flexible. If something you’ve done in the past isn’t working for you now, experiment with new tactics. Let your creativity and insight—universal assets of sensitive people—guide you.
I’d love to hear from you what you’ll do to commit to CHAOS today. Please let me know. And if you need inspiration, I hope you’ll reach out!
The line that really struck me was, 'No one else's version of the so-called good life can or should be the same as yours.' This is such a powerful reminder to embrace our individuality and create a life that is authentic to us, rather than trying to fit into a mold that doesn't feel right. Thank you for this empowering message.
Lor, I like this framework. It's something to hold onto when it feels like everything is changing beneath our feet.