Lori, I would have been freaking out, too, if I had witnessed this public discussion of personal goals. I'm surprised none of the children found it disturbing. I love setting goals and don't feel shame if I don't achieve them, but it's a private endeavor. It would have been different in earlier years in situations where I may have failed to succeed. I love how you have reframed goals so they work for you.
Sandra, it is interesting to me. I actually talked to a couple of their parents since publishing this and none of their kids were bothered. 🤷♀️ Is it a cultural difference? Is it because these kids have known each other for years and spend most evenings and Saturdays together, so they feel a real intimacy with each other? Or that they already know each other’s Taekwondo accomplishments, and no one has reached every goal, so there’s no awkwardness? I don’t know. It’s a very curious thing for me. Certainly I wasn’t the only parent who was uncomfortable or would have hated it as a kid. I hope the kids can hold onto this spirit as they move into adulthood, though!
Lori, That's so inspiring. I hope the kids can hold onto this spiritual as adults, too. Ideally, a martial art would be teaching us not to take things personally and sounds like that's happening!
Oh, this was such a fantastic read. I think I mentioned how I felt like goals and shame often went hand-in-hand for me. This essay put to words (with a fantastic experience for illustration) on why.
"Goals are your guides, not a sign of your worth." I love this quote because it reminds us that our goals are not a reflection of our value as human beings. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of whether or not we achieve our goals.
And the fact that kids would smile, laugh, be excited about reaching their goals, and not feel an ounce of shame in saying - that changed. So now it's different. So empowering. We lose so much growing up.
Thanks so much for your response, Alex! We all need the reminder that we are inherently worthy beings.
I so hope the kids can hold onto this experience as they move into adulthood. They ranged from 13-17, so it already surprised me that they’d have so little apparent self-consciousness or shame. Can you imagine how differently they might move through young adulthood than many of us did if they can keep this mindset?! Wow, what potential!
Lori, I really like your focus on spaciousness, flexibility, and community. All are so important if one wants to avoid a sense of defeat and keep on striving that is healthy and not perfectionistic. I find that attention to pacing is also important... I continue to work on what is interesting enough, but not too much that it will be stressful. An ongoing challenge!
Thank you, Gail. Yes, pacing is one of my perpetual challenges, too! At times it’s helpful to get feedback from trusted friends about what I’m undertaking, but I’ll admit that I often push ahead anyway. Always learning!
Lori, your reflection on goals and community speaks to me in a way I didn’t expect, especially today. I’ve never truly set goals for myself. Life has delivered so many blows, repeatedly catapulting me into new orbits, often in ways I couldn’t foresee or control.
Just today, I was forced into yet another orbit—bankruptcy looming, personal loss piling up, and my recovery from CFS and PTSD feeling fragile under the weight of it all. What I’ve learned is that I can’t always shape what happens, but I can choose how I respond to it, how I navigate this new space.
Instead of goals, I’ve turned to setting intentions. They feel more fluid, open to interpretation, and aligned with my inner state. Intentions leave room for the unknown while still giving me direction. Reading your post today reminded me of the power of community and why I keep returning to spaces like this—to connect, reflect, and keep moving forward.
Jay, thank you for such a poignant reflection! I’m sad to hear that this is such a constricting phase for you. I hope you will continue to shape your response in a way that fits for you in the present moment. I agree that we always have the option to choose our response, even though we may wish we had different circumstances and different options available to us.
I’m sitting with your perspective on intentions versus goals. I love the permissiveness and expansiveness that intentions convey to me. Personally, I still find myself feeling a bit anxious about relying on intentions rather than translating them into goals (by which I just mean that for me, a goal has some concrete steps attached to it to guide my behavior). I don’t know how much of that anxiety is the conditioning I’ve experienced. Ultimately, I think I’d like to marry the spirit of intentions with the groundedness and practicality of goals. But I am not there yet!
Wishing you all that you need, including community, as you continue to explore intentions and choosing your responses! 💚
I am with you on the marriage. Though I have found in the past 3 years since implementing intentions, because I felt myself being unable to set goals and wanted to have at least some guiding principle, that magically my actions aligned themselves almost without effort along those intentions. Not each intention every time. It was more like ok now let's see, how can creativity unfolds itself more in your life? And suddenly I was back to photographing, I engaged with creative thing ans ultimately started Improv in Summer 2023 and am doing that still. Also I found myself opening up so if Serendipity wanted to strike me, I would find somewhere to strike. And So I stumbled form book to book and I found in March 2023 my Alexander Technique Coach, a practice that became transformational for my whole healing journey. In 2024 it was all about Expression and Authenticity. How much more authentic can it get to recover the lost, inaccessible self of my past life to 80% and Expression, look at me with my 18ß subcribers today and recording podcasts and yes in the midst of the dropping bomb what did I do? 2025 the intention is connection. I am socially isolated, in as I have not one soul to turn to except my coaches and therapists, (as long as I can afford paying them, which might not be so much longer), I recorded my despair and thought on a video and shared it with this amazing community, just because that fact of sharing it created a sense of belonging, curbed the isolation I feel offline. If that isn't the manifestation of some kind of connection, ask me, what else is? I am sitting and I new already going into the last year that every security every bout of control I had, I was going to loose, one way or another, somehow I feel the I have come full circle today. Not ease, at all. Loosing everything, even most likely the home to pay off the debts looming, will literally bring me to what other might call a fresh start. And it is that fresh start I am looking to. I hope the Connection I am hopefully going to find and to multiply will help in find that fresh start aged 58, starting from scratch. Control is an
illusion that was the main insight of January 2024. It sill is.
Jay, I appreciate your take on what manifestation can be and how you’ve seen it happen in your life. It sounds like there is every reason to believe that connection will be an integral part of your fresh start. Here’s to releasing unhelpful illusions (like control) so that we can continue to move forward! 💚
Lori, thank you for your steady presence. Letting go of control has opened space for something truer, even if it’s uncomfortable. Connection challenges me most because it asks me to share the raw and unfinished parts of myself. Still, each step into that discomfort reminds me I’m not alone. Your words about moving forward by embracing the unfolding resonate deeply. Thank you for being part of this journey. 💚
Oh my goodness! I loved this post. I have the same reaction to goals and I believe community is huge for me too. I will experiment with reframing how I approach goals. I love that there are places that have this approach as well.
I’m so glad you shared, Meera! Thank you! We feel so fortunate to have dodged all the stereotypes of youth sports in our son’s studio. We see the ugliness of win-lose culture when he competes against students from other studios, and it’s so heartbreaking to see kids being subjected to that. For me, it’s been a lesson of finding/making my own community of people who want to approach goals and achievement in kinder, supportive ways. I hope you can learn a lot from your experiments and find/create the supports you need, too!
Lori, I would have been freaking out, too, if I had witnessed this public discussion of personal goals. I'm surprised none of the children found it disturbing. I love setting goals and don't feel shame if I don't achieve them, but it's a private endeavor. It would have been different in earlier years in situations where I may have failed to succeed. I love how you have reframed goals so they work for you.
Sandra, it is interesting to me. I actually talked to a couple of their parents since publishing this and none of their kids were bothered. 🤷♀️ Is it a cultural difference? Is it because these kids have known each other for years and spend most evenings and Saturdays together, so they feel a real intimacy with each other? Or that they already know each other’s Taekwondo accomplishments, and no one has reached every goal, so there’s no awkwardness? I don’t know. It’s a very curious thing for me. Certainly I wasn’t the only parent who was uncomfortable or would have hated it as a kid. I hope the kids can hold onto this spirit as they move into adulthood, though!
Lori, That's so inspiring. I hope the kids can hold onto this spiritual as adults, too. Ideally, a martial art would be teaching us not to take things personally and sounds like that's happening!
Great point! I think so. I appreciate your insights, as always, Sandra!
Oh, this was such a fantastic read. I think I mentioned how I felt like goals and shame often went hand-in-hand for me. This essay put to words (with a fantastic experience for illustration) on why.
"Goals are your guides, not a sign of your worth." I love this quote because it reminds us that our goals are not a reflection of our value as human beings. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of whether or not we achieve our goals.
And the fact that kids would smile, laugh, be excited about reaching their goals, and not feel an ounce of shame in saying - that changed. So now it's different. So empowering. We lose so much growing up.
Thanks so much for your response, Alex! We all need the reminder that we are inherently worthy beings.
I so hope the kids can hold onto this experience as they move into adulthood. They ranged from 13-17, so it already surprised me that they’d have so little apparent self-consciousness or shame. Can you imagine how differently they might move through young adulthood than many of us did if they can keep this mindset?! Wow, what potential!
Lori, I really like your focus on spaciousness, flexibility, and community. All are so important if one wants to avoid a sense of defeat and keep on striving that is healthy and not perfectionistic. I find that attention to pacing is also important... I continue to work on what is interesting enough, but not too much that it will be stressful. An ongoing challenge!
Thank you, Gail. Yes, pacing is one of my perpetual challenges, too! At times it’s helpful to get feedback from trusted friends about what I’m undertaking, but I’ll admit that I often push ahead anyway. Always learning!
Lori, your reflection on goals and community speaks to me in a way I didn’t expect, especially today. I’ve never truly set goals for myself. Life has delivered so many blows, repeatedly catapulting me into new orbits, often in ways I couldn’t foresee or control.
Just today, I was forced into yet another orbit—bankruptcy looming, personal loss piling up, and my recovery from CFS and PTSD feeling fragile under the weight of it all. What I’ve learned is that I can’t always shape what happens, but I can choose how I respond to it, how I navigate this new space.
Instead of goals, I’ve turned to setting intentions. They feel more fluid, open to interpretation, and aligned with my inner state. Intentions leave room for the unknown while still giving me direction. Reading your post today reminded me of the power of community and why I keep returning to spaces like this—to connect, reflect, and keep moving forward.
Jay, thank you for such a poignant reflection! I’m sad to hear that this is such a constricting phase for you. I hope you will continue to shape your response in a way that fits for you in the present moment. I agree that we always have the option to choose our response, even though we may wish we had different circumstances and different options available to us.
I’m sitting with your perspective on intentions versus goals. I love the permissiveness and expansiveness that intentions convey to me. Personally, I still find myself feeling a bit anxious about relying on intentions rather than translating them into goals (by which I just mean that for me, a goal has some concrete steps attached to it to guide my behavior). I don’t know how much of that anxiety is the conditioning I’ve experienced. Ultimately, I think I’d like to marry the spirit of intentions with the groundedness and practicality of goals. But I am not there yet!
Wishing you all that you need, including community, as you continue to explore intentions and choosing your responses! 💚
I am with you on the marriage. Though I have found in the past 3 years since implementing intentions, because I felt myself being unable to set goals and wanted to have at least some guiding principle, that magically my actions aligned themselves almost without effort along those intentions. Not each intention every time. It was more like ok now let's see, how can creativity unfolds itself more in your life? And suddenly I was back to photographing, I engaged with creative thing ans ultimately started Improv in Summer 2023 and am doing that still. Also I found myself opening up so if Serendipity wanted to strike me, I would find somewhere to strike. And So I stumbled form book to book and I found in March 2023 my Alexander Technique Coach, a practice that became transformational for my whole healing journey. In 2024 it was all about Expression and Authenticity. How much more authentic can it get to recover the lost, inaccessible self of my past life to 80% and Expression, look at me with my 18ß subcribers today and recording podcasts and yes in the midst of the dropping bomb what did I do? 2025 the intention is connection. I am socially isolated, in as I have not one soul to turn to except my coaches and therapists, (as long as I can afford paying them, which might not be so much longer), I recorded my despair and thought on a video and shared it with this amazing community, just because that fact of sharing it created a sense of belonging, curbed the isolation I feel offline. If that isn't the manifestation of some kind of connection, ask me, what else is? I am sitting and I new already going into the last year that every security every bout of control I had, I was going to loose, one way or another, somehow I feel the I have come full circle today. Not ease, at all. Loosing everything, even most likely the home to pay off the debts looming, will literally bring me to what other might call a fresh start. And it is that fresh start I am looking to. I hope the Connection I am hopefully going to find and to multiply will help in find that fresh start aged 58, starting from scratch. Control is an
illusion that was the main insight of January 2024. It sill is.
Jay, I appreciate your take on what manifestation can be and how you’ve seen it happen in your life. It sounds like there is every reason to believe that connection will be an integral part of your fresh start. Here’s to releasing unhelpful illusions (like control) so that we can continue to move forward! 💚
Lori, thank you for your steady presence. Letting go of control has opened space for something truer, even if it’s uncomfortable. Connection challenges me most because it asks me to share the raw and unfinished parts of myself. Still, each step into that discomfort reminds me I’m not alone. Your words about moving forward by embracing the unfolding resonate deeply. Thank you for being part of this journey. 💚
Is there a link to sign up for the soundings circle?
Ugh, my brain isn't working yet in the new year! Yes: https://www.singularlysensitive.com/soundings-circles
Thank you for pointing it out! I'll add it into the article. I appreciate you kindness! :)
Thank you Lori! I am looking forward to signing up!!!
I'd be delighted to have you join me again!
Oh my goodness! I loved this post. I have the same reaction to goals and I believe community is huge for me too. I will experiment with reframing how I approach goals. I love that there are places that have this approach as well.
I’m so glad you shared, Meera! Thank you! We feel so fortunate to have dodged all the stereotypes of youth sports in our son’s studio. We see the ugliness of win-lose culture when he competes against students from other studios, and it’s so heartbreaking to see kids being subjected to that. For me, it’s been a lesson of finding/making my own community of people who want to approach goals and achievement in kinder, supportive ways. I hope you can learn a lot from your experiments and find/create the supports you need, too!