Solitude and Community, Part 2: I Need My People!

Part 2 of 2

In Part 1 of this series, I wrote about how our craving for solitude is sometimes a symptom of other unmet needs in our lives. I made the argument that, if we’re adequately meeting those needs, our desire for alone time may become less intense. In Part 2, I’ll be exploring the other end of the spectrum: our craving for community.

The joys of community

Most of us can recall at least one time in our lives when we felt unbearably alone. I felt it most acutely when I moved to Germany to start my Fulbright as a new college grad, literally knowing no one as I walked off a plane and into a foreign culture. In those days before cell phones, when email was still a 20-minute bus ride across the city to a dark computer lab at the far end of the university, I longed for community. It was a physical gnawing in my gut to connect, to be seen, to be part of a group beyond myself.

This longing for community comes up for us in times of transition, as well as when we’ve spent too much solo time at work or school. We recognize that it can be as painful to be disconnected when we are emotionally wounded as it is when we have no one to celebrate with when life is going well. If we happen to be extroverted, we need to be with other people to feel energized and fully process our experiences. However, even introverts need and desire community.

Much as I suggested in my article on desiring time alone, the pull for community is complicated, colored by other underlying factors. When we can use the Singularly Sensitive approach to become curious about what makes us long for company, we can then experiment with how to best take care of ourselves. Sometimes that means being with other people, but there may be other ways to get out needs met in a particular moment. And, if we aren’t able to be with the kinds of people or community that we desire, it is important to explore other ways to take care of ourselves.

I find that many of the same factors that drove our desire for alone time also fuel our longing for connection:


The Desire for Fewer Demands

It’s human nature to want to take a break from responsibility from time to time by leaning on the people around us. I recall how lonely I felt at times when I lived by myself and wished someone could help me care for my home, cook for me when I was sick, or run a package to the post office. Social relationships help us spread the demands of daily life among a group.

However, if we are chronically looking to other people to help us meet the demands of our lives, it’s possible that we need to address those demands head on, in addition to being with company. We might need to practice setting limits on how much responsibility we take on or to get better at delegating. If we tend to be perfectionistic, we might look at how that ups the pressure we feel. Maybe we need to reconsider our commitments and create some space in our schedule to breathe and relax. Or perhaps there are services that can support us so that we feel less alone with the demands of life (online ordering for delivery goes a long way to reduce my load, whereas people rely on a house cleaner or other paid assistance to cut back on demands on them).


The Desire for Different Kinds of Stimulation

Boredom, hypoarousal (not getting enough stimulation of the sorts we need), and a lack of  novelty in our lives can leave us craving the company of others. Undoubtably, being with other people can bring fresh energy into our lives. However, we also may need to improve our ability to independently regulate our levels of stimulation at times when it isn’t feasible to be with other people. When I’m feeling sluggish and that leaves me feeling lonely, I try to identify what I can do to increase my level of stimulation without tipping into overstimulation and overwhelm. That balancing act can be the bane of a sensitive person’s existence, so I like to start with doing something small to change my physical experience: sit on the other end of the couch, move to a different room, go outside, hold and drink a hot cup of coffee (or an iced drink in the summer), or other small steps to see if I can gradually increase my stimulation level. As I can tolerate it, I increase my activity level until I feel less in need of other people to shift my energy or mood.


The Desire for Play, Creativity, and Pleasure

Some of the best aspects of being with other people are the ways that they enrich our experience of play, creativity, and pleasure. It’s often easier to lean into other people’s playfulness and joy than to create them for ourselves. I find there is nothing like collaborating with people to bring freshness to my creative pursuits. And there is no substitute for the pleasure of human touch, sexual or otherwise. However, if we become too dependent on other people to be our source of joy, levity, and sensuality, we begin to crave community because it is unpleasant to be alone. Set up regular solo times to discover how to play, be creative, and experience pleasure. It may take practice to learn to step out of expectations that we will be constantly productive adults who take life seriously. However, as we shake off that conditioning and connect with these sides of ourselves, we grow less dependent on others for the good stuff in life.


The Desire for Recovery Time

There are times when it may feel like you cannot stand being alone because you need to talk with people about what you’re experiencing, get a hug, give back to other people, and recover from the trials of life by leaning into a group of people who get you. All these desires are perfectly understandable. Humans, after all, are social animals and cannot survive in isolation. Being in a group can help us reset and, particularly when we are deep thinkers and sensitive feelers, lift us out of the mire of our internal experiences. We may need to develop additional ways of recovering for when we are unable to access our social networks. Some people feel a sense of relief from engaging in externalizing activities like journaling via writing, art, photography, collage, music, or other creative means; movement practices like dance; spiritual or religious rituals; or engaging in gratitude practices. To the extent that we can use our solo time to enhance our sense of connection to others and care of ourselves, we may find our need to be with people becomes less intense and more manageable.

Stay Curious and Self-Compassionate

I want to be absolutely clear that there is nothing wrong with us if we long for alone time or to be with other people. And there is nothing wrong with something to directly act on those longings. When we do, it’s like relaxing into a state of bliss where we can truly thrive as sensitive people.

But in the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, you can’t always get what you want.

Sometimes, the thing we desire isn’t available to us at all; or not at that moment; or not in quite the right way to satisfy us. In these cases, it benefits us to stay curious about what else might be driving our longing and how we might creatively respond to get those needs met. This kind of psychological flexibility promotes mental wellness and empowers us to manage our lives, rather than feeling victimized by having too little or too much social contact.

I also want to explicitly invite you to practice self-compassion for the parts of you that want something that is not available to you in a certain moment. It is hard to feel uncomfortable, stretched, and untended. Too often, we can start to get critical with ourselves about how we ended up in a situation that we dislike and why we haven’t gotten out of it sooner, easier, more adeptly. Please pause and be as kind to yourself in those moments as you would be to someone you love. A little gentleness toward yourself will go a long way toward easing you through an already difficult time.

My hope is that this series helps you become more attuned to your own needs and better equipped to respond creatively to them. Perhaps it also shifts your understanding of the people in your life, especially ones that may have different needs and preferences. I’d love to hear what stands out for you and if there are any suggestions you have for ways to attend to your needs. After all, that’s one of the communal benefits that Substack offers. Wishing you well on your way!